My name is CJ.
Music soothes this savage beauty. This is a personal blog. Uh, in a relationship. A manic-depressive teenager baffled by life. Average geek taking up a degree in Biology at the University of the Philippines Los Baños. I kill people who interrupt me when I play. Stars fascinate me. May the force be with you. ~
Is it an achievement? Are you fucking happy that we’re not together anymore? Do you feel good that I’m sulking and you’re probably enjoying your life? Do you find it nice that I’m the one that loses sleep over you when you sleep comfortably?
This was after 4thyr graduation! :) Hahaha
During my enrollment @UPLB so haggard!
Random date after first week of college!
@his dorm! me want a kiss. :3
Surprise visit @UPLB!
Back at his dorm. <3 I miss those nights.
@Boston Cafe, Grove, Los Banos. :DDD T’was our monthsary. Just the inspiration I need.
@MOA! :D
Random date @Rob Lipa!
le random date. hahaha
Christmas Partey @my place. spent Christmas w/ him. <3
wearing our new shirts. <3 hahaha a few days ago.
and last night @DLSL Alumni homecoming!
effort to collect and find all of these. HAHAHAHA
I took a long shower and cried. I just cried. I can barely wash myself properly. It hurts so much. I need it to stop. I hope he’ll talk to me soon. I don’t get why he’d want this. I really don’t. I love him so much. :’(
The eyes…
Our time. :) Bye
Hindi ko alam kung anong gusto mong palabasin pero kung ang gusto mo ay umiyak ako, nagawa mo na. Ayaw ko na sayang umiyak. Iniisip ko nalang na magiging okay din ako. Kung ikaw, wala sa sasrili, malungkot na malungkot ako. Hindi ko alam kung pano ko nakuha tong pic or pano pako nagtatype kasi ang labo ng nakikita ko dahil sa mga luha ko.
Binasa ko pa lahat ng post mo tungkol sakin, lahat ng text mo, mga picture natin. Mga regalo mo.
Parang hindi mo pa ako nasaktan ng sobra ah. Bakit ka magtetext nun? Ano meaning nun? ‘Our’ time? Tapos bye? Pilit kong wag pansinin na wala ka sa buhay ko ngayon. Kasi ginusto mo yun. Na umalis. Tapos ganyan itetext mo, matapos ng lahat ng sinabi ko, ng lahat ng ginawa ko. Ganun na lang.
Iyak talaga ako ng iyak ngayon. May mga exam ako, may project pa ko, hindi po ko pa nagagawa kasi ikaw ikaw iniisip ko. Buti ikaw, okay ka lang, ako ba? Ako, naaapektuhan ako ng sobra, kasi ramdam na ramdam ko na mahal parin kita, at kasama nun yung sakit na binigay mo sakin. At ewan ko kung bakit mo ko sinaktan ng ganito.
Kung alam mo lang mga ginawa ko mula nung araw na naging ganyan ka, nag-alala lang ako. Gusto ko maglit, gusto kitang saktan physically, pero hindi ko magawa. Gusto kong maramdam mo ang nararamdaman ko. Kasi sobrang sakit talaga. Sobra.
Pinlano ko na ang buhay ko, kasama ka. Biglang gusto mo nito. Bigla nalang umayaw ka. Kahit na wala akong ginagawa. Ang sakit Shaq. Pinilit kong isipin na babalik ka pag nalampasan mo to, pero bakit kailangan mo ko kailangang saktan ng ganito? Iniisip ko nalang na totoo yun mga pinakita mo, na masaya ako at nangyari ‘tayo’. Tapos gaganyan ka. Magpapaalam ka na nga lang, may smiley pa tapos ‘our time’. Naki-pag break ka na, may ‘our time’ pa, na parang sinasabi mo na umasa lang ako, kasi marami ka pang gagawin para saktan ako.
Ginagawa ko ang lahat, maging akin ka lang ulit. Gusto mo space, kahit masakit, pumayag nalang ako. Kasi wala namang akong choice dun eh. Ginusto mo yun. Mas pinili mo yun kasya makasama ako.
Sorry Shaq. Sorry sa mga nagawa ko. Sorry talaga. Kung yun yung dahilan kung bakit mo ko ginaganto, sorry Shaq. Sorry. Pero ang sakit sakit nito. Parang pinapatay mo ko sa loob ko. Sobrang sakit. Sana masaya ka na Shaq. Sana talaga maging masaya ka.
Kasi, sayang tong paghihirap ko , itong pagdudusa ko na wala ka, kung hindi ka masaya. Mas gugustuhin ko na nga lang na ako ang naiyak, ako ang nasasaktan, ako ang nahihirapan, kasya ikaw. Ganun kita kamahal Shaq. Sana, sana alam mo yun. Sana, sana makita mo ko ngayon, kasi habang tina-type ko talaga to, hindi tumitigil ang luha ko. Sobrang sakit talga.
Ang sakit. Ang sakit sakit. Sana tayo nalang. Sana tayo nalang ulit. Sana, kung ayaw mo na talaga, pabayaan mo nalang ako. Kasya sa ganyan na nagpaparamdam ka, kasi mas ramdam ko yung sakit galing sa choice mo na pinili. Sa choice mo na umalis sa buhay ko. Sa choice mo na alisin ako sa buhay mo.
:’( ang dami kong naiiyak para sayo. Sana talaga, worth it to. Sana sa bawat patak ng luha ko, katumbas ay isang ngiti mo.
At kung wala na talaga, wag ka nalang magparamdam. Iisipin ko nalang na patay ka na, kaysa isipin na pinili mo ang buhay na hindi ako kasama. Wala naman akong magagawa eh. Pinagtabuyan mo na ako. Matapos ng lahat ng pinagsamahan natin, tinapon mo lang ako. Sayang tayo Shaq. Akala ko, hindi ko na kailangan pang mag-move on pa ulit. Maging single ulit, kasi masaya nako sayo. Iiwan mo lang pala ako. Tanda mo yung pag nagagalit ako, at sinasabi mo sakin na ‘you’re heartless’? Sinong heartless satin ngayon Shaq? Ako parin ba?
Mahal kita. Mahal na mahal kita. Sana masaya ka na,
ERMEGERD HAHAHAHAHA <3 IKR
Pero sa totoo lang, pinaghirapan ko din si Shaq dati eh. As in, parang hindi sya seryoso na seryoso na ewan. Yung tipo na nagseselos agad agad, pero andali-dali lang sa kanya makipagbreak. Makikipag-balikan sya sakin, ako naman to papayag nga.
The thing is, alam kong sya na eh. Yung parang alam kong mababago ko sya. Kahit na nasasaktan ako noon. Yung hindi lang ako basta na-in love sa kanya. Yung alam kong kanya talaga ako. :) yun yung hinahanap kong feeling eh. Hahahaha. Nadala ako ng emotion. Sorry. Pero someday, magiging exception ka din, kasi trial and error rin lang naman ang love eh. May rules ang dating world, pero laging may exceptions yan.
I watched a video from Youtube that I saw in Facebook. It was so sad. There was this girl, and she was acting very, very bitchy. Her boyfriend was taking a video of her while she has a hangover. She just keeps on flipping him out. She wanted him to go away. She then stood up and slept on the couch. The boy moved next to her. He sat on the floor as he fell asleep holding her hand. When she woke up, she was a bit moved but not enough.
The next night, she went out again. Her boyfriend tried to put on some shawl on her, so that her dress wouldn’t be too revealing. But she removed it and threw it at him and went drinking. She went home with bruises because she was in some sort of a cat fight. The guy tried to help her but she pushed him away, again.
That night as they were sleeping, the guy coughed and coughed, and it had blood. The girl didn’t notice and just waited until she fell asleep again. When she woke up, the guy was gone. After hours of waiting, he came. She got sort of angry at him and then he fainted.
The next few days, they stayed at the hospital. The girl took care of her boyfriend. And the guy just sort of detaches himself. Back at their place, she watches the videos the guy took and she sobbed. The phone rang, telling her that there was something happening to the guy. When she rushed to the hospital, he was dying. Eventually, he passed away. The girl was left with nothing but the memories, and the crappy things she did made her realize how much she took her love for granted.
Most people don’t realize things until it’s taken away from them. Or when that thing goes away. We never really notice a thing until it’s gone. We get comfortable with the fact that it will always be there to stay, we neglect the very thing that makes them actually want to stay. The effort.
We tend to not care and ignore, even the ones we love. We love them and that is enough for them. They love us and that’s why they should be the one that will keep us happy.
But that’s not how relationships work. It’s the mutual understanding of two individuals, to work hard, and to stay and keep each other happy. Relationships are not always about happy moments. It’s also about the struggle that makes it strong, that makes it worth it.
But, when we give up, when we lose, when we leave, sure, it wouldn’t affect us yet as the emotions are still fresh. No one knows the exact duration of until when we’d feel a specific emotion. We’d be moody, hateful, spiteful. We express it, we say things we don’t mean to say. But is it really worth saying? Are they worth leaving, after all the things you’ve been through?
I don’t think so. Think it through. Realize that you already have someone that will be there through thick and thin, more than you can get from temporary happiness.
Realize what you have, before time makes you realize what you had.
Honestly, I am taking this personally. I can relate to the girl. Hopefully, I don’t get the same ending. He changed for me, as I changed for him.
